Wednesday, July 8, 2009

New Episode of The Rabbi Lemming Show! Episode # 6

I hope you enjoy the most recent episode of my show, where I introduce the "Lemmingizer" to the world, perhaps the greatest invention since the personal enema kit. The "Lemmingizer" will force people to embrace peace by changing their brain waves and inhibiting certain neurotransmitters associated with such primitive drives as survival and self-defense.

Preliminary studies have shown that several sessions with the "Lemmingizer" radically decrease a man's testosterone levels and the size of his testicles. I firmly believe that the "Lemmingizer" will show the Arabs that we wish to coexist with them, even if they become the majority as a result of our raisin sized genitalia. Furthermore, our lowered testosterone will encourage the teachings of pacifism. Most men will lack the strength to get off the couch.

We are not cavemen. Our ways are ways of peace. We will only bring love to the world by extricating hatred from our hearts. Yishmael will see that we are soft and he will say to himself, "is this not the way"? Then Yishmael will start to cry and he will declare his love for us.

And then may we dance, not next year, but this year and next year until the end of time, Amen selah. (To the discerning reader who may recognize the latter statement, I would like to note that I said it many years ago before Rabbi Avi Weiss did.)


Ben-Yehudah said...

Oooooh. Sounds delightful.

Ben-Yehudah said...

What's a dildo, Rabbi Lemming?

Are you jealous that Raaaaaabbi Shmuly Boteah won out over you to be MJ's rabbi?

Rabbi Lemming said...

I was friends with MJ many years before him. I counseled him for several years and he even stayed by me for several months. During my sabbatical several years back, I spent a month at Neverland. A most delightful month of giggling and laughing as a child. I met Bubbles the monkey and fed him a banana.

How I miss my dear friend.

As far as dildos go, anything can be a dildo as long as it is oblong and capable. Those who have further questions about dildos and how to best use in a relationship can contact me. We can arrange a therapy session. As a licensed sex therapist and victim of reckless penetration, I can understand the pain of misinformation.